I know its been a while. I've been a hole. I'm trying to get back into the world of communicating with people.
Summer is always an interesting time. It seems to be the making or breaking point for a lot of things. Also, things just seem to get clearer for me in the summer time. I always seem to reevaluate my life during the summer. Hold on... I'm not saying what I want... Lets start at the beginning.
During the Fall Semester of school, things were really rough. I had a good time, but I got really shy and I didn't make very many friends, which for me is very unusual. I got really depressed and just was really hard on myself. I felt like I wasn't a good Christian, friend, or daughter. Needless to say, I began to hate school and my parents forced me to go back for the Spring Semester. They told me to finish at least one year of school.
The Spring Semester was like a complete 180. I was involved in a play and I actually spent time with people. I began to enjoy myself and loved the people and the college I was at. But even though things on the surface were good, deep down I was still depressed and listening to the lie of the enemy.
See, one of my biggest pet peeves is honesty. A lot of times I can tell when people aren't telling me the truth, and it annoys me to no end. I would rather people be honest with me and allow me to react in my own way, rather than them "shielding me" or just being too scared to tell me the truth. Well, the enemy knows my love for honesty, and he began to feed me all kinds of lies. He began to tell me how much of a hypocrite I am, and how I talk like a Christian, but I don't really mean any of the things I say. I began to believe that I didn't deserve the friends I had and that all my life I would be nothing but a lieing hypocrite. I began to try and make up rules on how to be more spiritual,and I would beat myself up whenever I didn't follow those rules. All the time I would pray for Jesus to give me a passion for Him, and show me how to live for Him. Throughout the semester I began to feel like Jesus wasn't answering that prayer, and that eventually lead to my belief that God doesn't always answer prayers.
I knew God loved me, but I started to believe that He didn't care about me. That He was leaving me to fend for myself until I got myself together, yet I knew I couldn't get myself together without His help.
Needless to say, it was a downward spiral.
Let me pause to say, if you are feeling this way right now. That God doesn't care, or that you are a worthless Christian. Let me tell you "THAT IS A LIE FROM THE DEVIL" and I know exactly how you feel. Continue to read.
At the beginning of summer I had the privilege to go to a New Attitude conference in Louisville, KY. I tell you, God knows exactly what you need. I was very much encouraged. I began to realize all the lies I had allowed myself to believe, and that Jesus is there and He does care about me. It has not been easy. A couple of things I learned is that I need to memorize scripture. One of the speakers C.J. Mahaney, mentioned that we need to talk to ourselves instead of listening to ourselves. The best way to remember God's promises is if you have them memorized. Another thing I realized, is that I am saved through GRACE, not works, and not feelings. Too many times I rely on my feelings or my works to bring me closer to God. Grace is what God gives to all of us. No matter how many times we mess up, or think there is something we have to do, God is there with arms open wide waiting for us to realize that apart from Him we can do NOTHING! I imagine Him smiling and laughing as a father would at a child who is trying to do something on their own, when it is completely out of the child's power to do anything.
But I realized that although we are saved through grace, we are required to fight for a relationship with God. Just like how you must fight to set aside time for people in your life you have a relationship with, so I must do with God. So what does fighting for a relationship look like for me? Getting up before my family starts stirring to spend time with God. And I am continually learning about grace. The fact that if I don't read my bible every day, that God is not upset or disappointed in me.
Jesus is teaching me and growing me everyday. I am grateful for the people and family He has placed in my life. But moreover I am grateful for His grace and love and patience and just overall amazingness.
Remember. Jesus is there, even when you don't feel Him. When you think you've gone too far, He's there with arms open wide and a smile, just waiting for His child to grab His hand.
Love!
